In 2022, I came to London to find success in tech. Coming from corporate work, I had a very romantic view of the industry - that an engineer could use their talents to solve a problem the world faces and make a good life for their family in doing so. I felt that this was my life’s purpose. I was so sure of myself.
This goal was what got me up every day. I truly believed I could get there. Looking back, I’d like to think I gave most things 110%. Some projects I was borderline obsessive about. This enthusiasm was poorly placed.
I was naive, impressionable and I did not understand how this industry worked.
In reality, solving people’s problems is quite far down the list of priorities for a business of any delineation and technology is no exception. Being able to say you solve a problem is a nice-to-have. A lucky few technologists will ever get here. For the rest of us, tech is the same as any other flavour of enterprise: sales and hard graft.
There’s nothing sinister about this fact. It is simply how the world works. I was frustrated by it because it didn’t line up with my romantic view. I went to work each day with a knot in my stomach, a feeling of futility. I needed to come to terms with reality.
The uncomfortable conclusion was that I am no longer willing to bet my fulfilment on someone else’s venture. I would rather have a good chance at helping a few people than an infinitesimal chance at changing the world.
This dream had been my entire life for the past 5 years. I had sacrificed friendships, community, relationships and family. I removed myself from social media entirely and stopped watching tv. At one point I got meals delivered to save time on cooking. That all this had been toward the wrong end for me was a tough pill to swallow. But I did it, I closed the laptop, and the knot unwound. I let the dream go.
I stepped away from my role at Matta in May and since then have been reminding myself who I am outside of work. I motorcycled to Morocco and back and it was alright. I ugly cried on the side of a highway just out of Tangier because I saw a camel for the first time and it made me laugh, and I realised I hadn’t genuinely laughed in months. I climbed some peaks in Lofoten with good people in the midnight sun. In a few days I’m flying to Seattle to spend, all going well, a few months on the Pacific Crest Trail. After that I am not sure what I’ll do. But, after being so sure for so long, I think it’ll be good for me to be unsure for a while.
“You found something that you love. And it’s completely 100% okay if… If you don’t love it anymore.
Because the most special part about it is that you are capable of that love.”
— Sugar, The Bear
Ka kite,
Dan xx